No joke. I was just browsing through the interwebs and saw this little gem. Shortly thereafter I searched through the Twilight Merch thread just to be on the safe side. >.> Though this is somewhat questionably related.

http://www.bookbyyou.com/vampire/default.asp

As if the books weren't bad enough. NOW YOU CAN INSERT YOURSELF INTO THE STORY. ONLY $39.99 AND IF YOU ACT NOW WE'LL THROW IN A LIFE SIZE DOLL FOR FREE! /endof

Out of curiousity I entered my selection.

For the Lulz and Rainbow meet at the library...
Spying a dusty red binding on the lower shelf, For the Lulz pulled at the tightly wedged volume. Unbeknownst to her, her jostling had caused a book to dislodge and tumble from its precarious position on the top shelf. Then she heard it – the sound of a sudden movement and leather against flesh. She looked up, surprised.

“What?” her hazel eyes widened as she took in the sight.

“If I startled you, my apologies.” The man in dark silk smiled at her through electric blue eyes and then reached up toward the skewed shelf, adjusted it, and returned the book. His voice was like his clothing, soft, rich, almost beckoning. The dim light fell gently on his black hair and shoulders. Impossibly wide shoulders...

For the Lulz felt her heart skip a beat; how picturesque. His arms seemed not to stretch as he reached to resettle the shelf. Watching from below, comprehension dawned, she tucked her light brown hair behind her ears in nervousness. Ah, the noise. She eyed the angle, and a shudder wracked her body. The whole shelf could have toppled were it not for this curious stranger. She had to clear her throat before she could speak, her mind filled with images of heavy, sharp-cornered objects landing on her head. “Thanks for the rescue,” For the Lulz said. Then with a grin added, “Quick hands.”

“Only when there is need, I assure you.” Rainbow Fantasticman smiled, teeth reflecting bright in the dusty air, those broad shoulders casting a shadow over For the Lulz. He nodded in what might almost have been considered a bow and then turned sideways and was gone. One moment there, the next he’d vanished as though he’d never been...




Rainbow has vampire lust...
Rainbow sighed. He longed to go to For the Lulz, to comfort her, to caress her, but he could not, and so he remained outside, just below her window, watching and listening. He thought of her silky light brown hair and dancing hazel eyes. His mouth filled with the bittersweet taste of longing. The first flush of dawn chased him away, but before he left, he thrust a note beneath her window sash.

I have watched from the shadows;
you are brighter than sunlight.

It might have been more poetic than literal, but he meant it truly; hers was a warmth that would not burn him to ash – though it did seem to have seared its way into his heart.





Spoilered for length. Thoughts, comments? Oh and aplogies if bringing in Bela was too much. ^^"

EDIT

Oops this is the adult version. The other is First Bite and more in line with Twilight. >.>

That sounds almost ironic, it's like Twilight, but where the main character is cast to represent the reader rather than the author.

Bizzarro-world Twilight? Wait, then that would mean that Twilight would actually be good.

glados209 wrote:That sounds almost ironic, it's like Twilight, but where the main character is cast to represent the reader rather than the author.

Bizzarro-world Twilight? Wait, then that would mean that Twilight would actually be good.

Unfortunately the writing seems on parr with Twilight. Ish. Xd But yeah that's a great way of putting it, better then I could have come up with.

hey yeah, I just saw this and was gonna post about it. It really is the perfect gift for Twilight fans in all honesty as the can literally write themselves into the story

Saki wrote:hey yeah, I just saw this and was gonna post about it. It really is the perfect gift for Twilight fans in all honesty as the can literally write themselves into the story

Oh scwheeet. Hope you don't mind. And this is...MADNESS! this is a bit much. I mean, that poor cash cow.

The semicolon and comma use annoys me. >8(

Mmm AntiSpectraitor wrote:

Saki wrote:hey yeah, I just saw this and was gonna post about it. It really is the perfect gift for Twilight fans in all honesty as the can literally write themselves into the story

Oh scwheeet. Hope you don't mind. And this is...MADNESS! this is a bit much. I mean, that poor cash cow.

The semicolon and comma use annoys me. >8(

Oddly enough I learned of it, while browsing Tvtropes's Left Behind article. I say that because Left Behind is a religious series of novels and the last time I checked Vampires are one the opposite side. (so to speak)

Saki wrote:Oddly enough I learned of it, while browsing Tvtropes's Left Behind article. I say that because Left Behind is a religious series of novels and the last time I checked Vampires are one the opposite side. (so to speak)

O.o That is quite...odd. Huh. *goes over to TV tropes*

"For the Lulz"

I did a personalised preview of 'First Bite' and 'Vampire Kisses'.

Twilight and First Bite
Twilight characters: Bella and Edward. Other unimportant people.
First Bite characters: You (I named mine Jane coz I'm creative like that). Vampire (Mikey Mike). Your friend (Liv). Vampire's friend (Wendell).

Bella: Klutzy bookworm
You: Klutzy bookworm

Edward: Heroically saves Bella from Tyler's van
Vampire: Heroically saves You from a bookshelf. A BOOKSHELF.

Every other sane vampire in Twilight: Cannot understand why Edward likes Bella
Vampire's friend: Cannot understand why Vampire likes You

Edward: Gets angry when someone else wants to eat Bella
Vampire: Gets angry when his friend says he wants to eat You

Vampire's friend to Vampire:

"The great and powerful vampire, trembling over a mortal teenage girl. Amazing! Count Dracula is rolling in his grave!”

That he is, Wendell. That he is.

Bella: Wants to see what it's like when Edward hunts. Edward is reluctant.
You: Wants to see what it's like when Vampire feeds. Vampire is reluctant.

Twilight and Vampire Kisses
Edward: Stalks Bella from inside her room
Vampire: Stalks You from outside your window

I have watched from the shadows;
you are brighter than sunlight.

OH WHY?

Conclusion: These books are for people who ruined their Twilight books by crossing out Bella/Edward/Jacob and writing their own name in.

Ew. I mean, like...just---no.

@Lemmings!

Your last remark especially. Xd

Dementia, my sentiments precisely. It's just...just...oh man I can't even..and the comments. D:

For shits and giggles, I used my OC, Aria, and her "boyfriend", fellow OC, Gregory:


Wow. A whole paragraph, and this already looks like carp.


This is crap, considering my two (three counting Aria's friend, Deidre) OC's are human.


"Completely in the cream"? This is as bad as, if not worse, than Twilight itself.


THIS. IS. sturgeon! -shotforbadSpartajoke- They call this passion and humor?


MUCH creepier than Twilight.

In short, this sucks. I wouldn't even get it for a Twilight fan, and that's saying something.

Wow. That's sounds like an even more pathetic version of Twilight Yet I love the names I've given the characters. And the creator of this book is pretty cunning and inventive little Seth, I must admit ;>

Heres my previews.

My characters
Idiot Gurl
Brooding Jenner
Clever Smartass

A college campus is the setting for Vampire Kisses and where Idiot Gurl and Brooding Jenner first cross paths. It’s love at first sight, but as they become closer, Idiot discovers that Brooding has a horrifying secret – he’s a vampire doomed to a bloodthirsty immortality!
Although Idiot senses danger beneath his soft-spoken manner, and even after Brooding himself warns her away, Idiot is drawn to this creature of the night and loves him as she has loved no other.

1. Idiot and Brooding meet at the library...

Spying a dusty red binding on the lower shelf, Idiot pulled at the tightly wedged volume. Unbeknownst to her, her jostling had caused a book to dislodge and tumble from its precarious position on the top shelf. Then she heard it – the sound of a sudden movement and leather against flesh. She looked up, surprised.
“What?” her hazel eyes widened as she took in the sight.
“If I startled you, my apologies.” The man in dark silk smiled at her through electric gray eyes and then reached up toward the skewed shelf, adjusted it, and returned the book. His voice was like his clothing, soft, rich, almost beckoning. The dim light fell gently on his dark brown hair and shoulders. Impossibly wide shoulders...
Idiot felt her heart skip a beat; how picturesque. His arms seemed not to stretch as he reached to resettle the shelf. Watching from below, comprehension dawned, she tucked her salt and pepper hair behind her ears in nervousness. Ah, the noise. She eyed the angle, and a shudder wracked her body. The whole shelf could have toppled were it not for this curious stranger. She had to clear her throat before she could speak, her mind filled with images of heavy, sharp-cornered objects landing on her head. “Thanks for the rescue,” Idiot said. Then with a grin added, “Quick hands.”
“Only when there is need, I assure you.” Brooding Jenner smiled, teeth reflecting bright in the dusty air, those broad shoulders casting a shadow over Idiot. He nodded in what might almost have been considered a bow and then turned sideways and was gone. One moment there, the next he’d vanished as though he’d never been...

2. Idiot and Clever Smartass : a little intellectual repartee...

A lascivious grin was spoiled by the frothy mustache Clever Smartass wore; cross-eyed, she glared at it, twisting up her mouth, remnants of her latte still clinging to her lips.
“Do stop licking your lips that way; some man might get the right idea about you, and then where would you be?” Idiot was only half kidding, hazel eyes ablaze.
“Where every cat longs to be, my sweet innocent little bookworm. Completely in the cream.” She batted her eyelashes outrageously making Idiot laugh.
“So, your date last night?”
“Oh, it was perfect. A perfect catastrophe,” Clever Smartass grinned. “I told you he was in the adult education program, right?” She waited for Idiot to nod, all-the-while choking on her own laughter. “Well, we finally got around to talking about what he studies.” Giggles began to emerge, making her slur her words. “That yummy little Brad-Pitt-in-Thelma-and-Louise I was drooling over is here studying to become a priest!”
“Oh, no!” Idiot sat back and burst into laughter of her own. “What did you do?”
“Oh, I merely suggested that an in-depth knowledge of temptation and sin might help in his work. I even offered to give him a guided tour.”
“You didn’t!” It was purely rhetorical; knowing Clever Smartass, Idiot was quite sure she had. “What did he say?”
“I thought I heard ‘get thee behind me’, but he was running the other way, so I could be wrong.”
If Idiot hadn’t already finished her drink, she’d have choked...

3. Brooding has vampire lust...

Brooding sighed. He longed to go to Idiot, to comfort her, to caress her, but he could not, and so he remained outside, just below her window, watching and listening. He thought of her silky salt and pepper hair and dancing hazel eyes. His mouth filled with the bittersweet taste of longing. The first flush of dawn chased him away, but before he left, he thrust a note beneath her window sash.

I have watched from the shadows;
you are brighter than sunlight.

It might have been more poetic than literal, but he meant it truly; hers was a warmth that would not burn him to ash – though it did seem to have seared its way into his heart.

4. Brooding – the first bite...

Brooding looked at Idiot, hazel eyes bright with passion; his hands shook. “Are you sure?”
She took his face in her hands, drew him near for a kiss as she gazed into his gray eyes. His fangs fully extended; she traced them with her tongue, loving the taste of him. “I am.” It felt like a vow. “I love you.” Idiot ran her fingers through his dark brown hair then pulled him to her.
He stood it as long as he could, then another moment longer. But finally he had to move, or come undone.
Brooding trailed kisses along her collarbone, nibbled her earlobe, making his way to the nape of her neck. Idiot moaned beneath his attention, the sound making him shake with yearning, thirst, desire, and love. He hesitated for one eternal moment, fangs extended to their full length, throbbing, dripping the essence of his need onto Idiot, her perfect skin glistening in the dim light. Slowly, but with nothing of uncertainty – he bit down not quite tenderly, knowing she would enjoy the feel of his teeth – but carefully to cause no pain. His fangs sank within her, pressed home, revealing incredible sensations for both lovers, a new consummation. Her heartbeat raced through them both. Idiot kept her back straight and her shoulders remained still, but her thighs and hips rolled sensuously as music moved through her and her blood sang...

Okay, here's mine. i did the "First Bite" one.

Characters: Spweshiul Stupidity
Edwhut Sparklepants
Aline
Emmet









Two words. Facepalm. Or is that considered one?

I'd say one. XD Gotta say love the names though. =3

Spying a dusty red binding on the lower shelf, BellaSue pulled at the tightly wedged volume. Unbeknownst to her, her jostling had caused a book to dislodge and tumble from its precarious position on the top shelf. Then she heard it – the sound of a sudden movement and leather against flesh. She looked up, surprised.
“What?” her gray eyes widened as she took in the sight.
“If I startled you, my apologies.” The man in dark silk smiled at her through electric green eyes and then reached up toward the skewed shelf, adjusted it, and returned the book. His voice was like his clothing, soft, rich, almost beckoning. The dim light fell gently on his gray hair and shoulders. Impossibly wide shoulders...
BellaSue felt her heart skip a beat; how picturesque. His arms seemed not to stretch as he reached to resettle the shelf. Watching from below, comprehension dawned, she tucked her gray hair behind her ears in nervousness. Ah, the noise. She eyed the angle, and a shudder wracked her body. The whole shelf could have toppled were it not for this curious stranger. She had to clear her throat before she could speak, her mind filled with images of heavy, sharp-cornered objects landing on her head. “Thanks for the rescue,” BellaSue said. Then with a grin added, “Quick hands.”
“Only when there is need, I assure you.” SparkleFag McDousche smiled, teeth reflecting bright in the dusty air, those broad shoulders casting a shadow over BellaSue. He nodded in what might almost have been considered a bow and then turned sideways and was gone. One moment there, the next he’d vanished as though he’d never been...

I just had to do this... It made me laugh so hard!

Spying a dusty red binding on the lower shelf, BellaSue pulled at the tightly wedged volume. Unbeknownst to her, her jostling had caused a book to dislodge and tumble from its precarious position on the top shelf. Then she heard it – the sound of a sudden movement and leather against flesh. She looked up, surprised.
“What?” her gray eyes widened as she took in the sight.
“If I startled you, my apologies.” The man in dark silk smiled at her through electric green eyes and then reached up toward the skewed shelf, adjusted it, and returned the book. His voice was like his clothing, soft, rich, almost beckoning. The dim light fell gently on his gray hair and shoulders. Impossibly wide shoulders...
BellaSue felt her heart skip a beat; how picturesque. His arms seemed not to stretch as he reached to resettle the shelf. Watching from below, comprehension dawned, she tucked her gray hair behind her ears in nervousness. Ah, the noise. She eyed the angle, and a shudder wracked her body. The whole shelf could have toppled were it not for this curious stranger. She had to clear her throat before she could speak, her mind filled with images of heavy, sharp-cornered objects landing on her head. “Thanks for the rescue,” BellaSue said. Then with a grin added, “Quick hands.”
“Only when there is need, I assure you.” SparkleFag McDousche smiled, teeth reflecting bright in the dusty air, those broad shoulders casting a shadow over BellaSue. He nodded in what might almost have been considered a bow and then turned sideways and was gone. One moment there, the next he’d vanished as though he’d never been...

I just had to do this... It made me laugh so hard!

How do you reckon it would end? I don't wanna buy this carp, but I'm curious. These previews are not enough Judging by the previews though, I think I can get a good view of how this story's gonna go. *Time for a list!*

Characters: You (are Jane). Vampire (Mikey Mike). Best friend (Liv). Vampire's friend (Wendell).

First Bite+Vampire Kisses Predictions
Jacob falls in love with Bella for no reason so then...
Liv falls in love with You for the same reason

Jacob is a werewolf. So hopefully...
Liv is a unicorn. Hopefully.

Wolves rip vampires into shreds and burn the pieces
Unicorns skewer vampires with their horns, then trample them to dust

James and co. track, hunt and try to kill Bella after a baseball game
Evil vampires or unicorns, track, hunt and try to kill You after a softball game. Whateverr.

The wolf pack and the Cullens came together to save Bella so...
Liv and Mikey Mike (and Wendell, I guess) unite to save You

To me, this can all only end one way
- Liv 'accidentally' skewers Mikey Mike on unicorn horn
- Wendell is hungry, and ends up eating Liv. He unfortunately chokes on unicorn hair and dies
- You are trampled by wild unicorns
So unlike Breaking Dawn, where everyone lives, and it's a disappointing ending, this story should have everyone die because they're so damn pathetic. That's a HAPPY ending.

But since this is pretty much following Twilight:
-You will get with Vampire
-You and Vampire have half human/half vampire baby
-Unicorn mistakes baby for a pony, falls in love with pony
-Everyone lives, disappointing ending

During all this there's a lot of carp 'bout stalking, passion, love, maybe more dangerous bookshelves attempting to murder people, but this is pretty much how I hope this story ends. Please BOOKS BY YOU!

Sorry to bump an old topic, but I thought this was just hilarious.

Yo Momma So Fat is a studious, book-loving high school senior whose safe world is turned upside down when she's drawn to the hero of our story, Nigga Please , an immortal vampire whose dangerous 'unlife' is both frightening and fascinating. Their friends Guuuurrrrl and SAY WHAT advise and support this starcrossed pair as they begin a turbulent relationship.

I see a law suit in the future. There's already a vampire romance novel named Vampire Kisses by Ellen Schreiber.

I'm so writing one later for the lulz : D

Genesis wrote:I see a law suit in the future. There's already a vampire romance novel named Vampire Kisses by Ellen Schreiber.

You can't copyright a title.

Anyway, this really is indicative of the egocentric pandering of the entertainment industry. Allow me if I may to quote from that most savage of critics, Yahtzee:

Sackboy [of Little Big Planet] is a mascot for the current age; one with absolutely no identity or personality except that which the player ascribes to them.

He goes on:

I feel there's a fundamental design philosophy between me and the developers of Little Big Planet. They believe that every single person is an extra-special god-child with a bud of creativity aching to burst out into a single perfect flower, and I believe that every single person is a tosser and any flowers that pop up are going to be buried beneath garbage, fiery penises, and countless reproductions of levels from Super Mario Brothers...

I don't want to have to wade through waist-high rendering plant run-off just to find the good levels, especially when I can do that just by playing the story mode. You know, the levels designed by professional prancing level designers?

My point is that more and more the entertainment industry seems to be catering to the idea that everyone knows how best to create an experience for themselves. In part I blame the Build-A-Bear franchise, or however the hell you spell that. While the store itself is a reasonably sound principle, it seems to have inspired a wave of imitators who think that giving people the ability to personalize a work of entertainment/art somehow makes it better. It certainly is a good way to get their money, I admit.

Maybe I'm just talking out of my Edward, but it seems to me that this really is the culmination of the Me Generation's egocentric ballerina and Twilight is the flagship for the female half of the generation with this First Bite carp being the obligatory parasite that has come to mooch off of the feeding frenzy.

Oh carp...I have no idea why I did this...

A college campus is the setting for Vampire Kisses and where Enoby Darkness Dementia Way and Draco Malfoy first cross paths. It’s love at first sight, but as they become closer, Enoby Darkness Dementia Way discovers that Draco has a horrifying secret – he’s a vampire doomed to a bloodthirsty immortality!

Although Enoby Darkness Dementia Way senses danger beneath his soft-spoken manner, and even after Draco himself warns her away, Enoby Darkness Dementia Way is drawn to this creature of the night and loves him as she has loved no other.

I want to make a messed-up version of this and send it to my Anti friend. This is like retarded Mad-Libs.

Amaterasu wrote:Oh carp...I have no idea why I did this...

A college campus is the setting for Vampire Kisses and where Enoby Darkness Dementia Way and Draco Malfoy first cross paths. It’s love at first sight, but as they become closer, Enoby Darkness Dementia Way discovers that Draco has a horrifying secret – he’s a vampire doomed to a bloodthirsty immortality!

Although Enoby Darkness Dementia Way senses danger beneath his soft-spoken manner, and even after Draco himself warns her away, Enoby Darkness Dementia Way is drawn to this creature of the night and loves him as she has loved no other.

After you've filled in the blanks, try to imagine what the story would be like written in the style of My Immortal (unless you're really brave or strong in mind, in which you actually write it out in the style of Tara Gilesbe).